We are given a lot of opportunities to peer into other people’s lives. I remember the first season of The Real World on MTV, it was a major shift in television. Instead of observing a fictional character’s life, we were invited into the lives of a group of young adults. As I watched those first few seasons I remember thinking that they were incredibly lucky. While the fighting and confrontations were not enviable, many of the other aspects of their lives were. That is what I thought.

Today we get insights into nearly anyone’s life we choose. Those invitations are often curated, but we still look through the window and make judgements about how that individual lives. In some cases, I follow an account on Instagram or a friend on Facebook and think to myself,

“If only I could figure out what they have figured out?”

There are many benefits in having these loose connections to other people. However, it can also be a major source of unhappiness. One of the key elements in being truly happy is finding your authentic self. Finding contentment in that identity is a pillar of personal happiness. The question, “Who am I”, is one of the most basic questions of being a human. It is the question that sets us apart from other animals. It is the question that leads us to achieve great things, discover new talents and find lasting relationships.

When we stop seeking this authenticity and turn over this work to others, by observing how they live and trying to copy it, our lives are left with unfulfilled gaps. We never get an opportunity to discover our true selves.

These gaps do not have to be a result of social media or reality television either. I see people hand over this personal discovery to many other things, such as: political parties, geographic boundaries, sports teams, schools attended, cars they drive, neighborhoods they live in, clothes they wear, religious teachers they follow, etc.

These past two weeks have been very busy for me, as I have had a lot of meetings that were delayed while I spent six weeks in South Dakota. In one of those meetings, I was talking to a friend that shares some similar professional goals and experiences that I have. She made the following statement,

“If Gary can take the time to figure things out, then I can too.”

It was an interesting statement because I had not really viewed my time in South Dakota as an opportunity to make any grand discoveries. It was a great opportunity to return to places I had not been in a couple decades and have memories of what life was like growing up. South Dakota, especially the Black Hills, is not central Nebraska. However, as I would drive down the road to Toy and Brenda’s ranch, it turned up memories of my youth.

The interesting thing is that on that gravel road towards their house, I would wonder, is this the better life?

The reason that all of these thoughts identifying with my youth and where I was geographically located popped up, is due to the understanding that we are constantly under development. The search for identity, the desire for purpose and the need for meaning, these are all things that are recurring throughout life.

I used to believe that our identities were static after our twenties. However, the world changes, people change and most of all - we change. Understanding how we navigate these changes is a part of living a healthy and happy life.

One of the keys to being happy during this process of self discovery, is to learn to find happiness within yourself. The world enjoys placing labels on you. It helps them categorize you. It makes it easier to judge you. I don’t mind that this is the way things happen, but what I try to do each day is to be satisfied with how I view myself. When the world puts a label on me, if it fits I don’t mind wearing the label, until it no longer feels authentic.

Then the challenge is to be aware enough to shed the label and be true to yourself, or continue to live into the expectations and behaviors that come with the way you’ve been defined.

So far this has been a very abstract discussion. I would like to share some real examples of ways that I have been defined or allowed myself to be defined recently. You will see that some of these observations are almost silly at face value, until you realize that in aggregate all of these definitions start to form a perception of you into the world.

What I ask of myself is, which of these am I willing to reflect back into the world?

A runner A product person A Volvo guy A coach A hipster A young man A teacher / mentor An old guy An experienced professional An inexperienced specialist A person with good character A single man An entrepreneur A unrealistic dreamer A writer / blogger Someone who overthinks things Someone who doesn’t plan things appropriately Someone in a midlife crisis A motivator These are just the few ways that I have been defined that I can immediately recall. The question I’ve been asking myself are which of these do I accept? How many of them do I deny?

This video from Mike Rosner and his interview with James Altucher has been some inspiration for this refelction

podcast James Altucher & Mike Rosner Interview